Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Open the pod bay doors, HAL

Here’s how I see it.

Don’t you just love a beginning like that? You know that whatever is coming next is going to be incredibly insightful and original.

Or at least that would be true, if I weren’t writing it.

Anyway.

I’m basically like a robot.

No really. We’ve already discussed how very much I like my routine, which is basically my way of saying that my robotic brain doesn’t do well with deviations from its standard operating program.

And, like any mass-produced model, I came with factory set defaults. These defaults can be overridden on a case-by-case basis, or they can be reprogrammed.

My factory presets came like this:

Exercise: none
Appetite: constant
Taste-preference: chocolate

Over the past few months, I’ve managed to reset my defaults to:

Exercise: run
Appetite: constant
Taste-preference: chocolate

But with my recent slackage spree, the exercise default got set back to lazy. And overriding the default can be a real bitch. The virus protection software kicks in, and dialogue boxes start popping up all over the place:

Naomi, you appear to be performing an irregular activity. Are you sure you want to continue?

Naomi, pressing okay will manually override the system preference. This action cannot be undone. Press OK to continue.

Seriously, Naomi, the couch is like right there. What the hell do you want to go out again for? Press OK if you've come to your senses.

And so forth.

Which is why, had you seen me on the red line just after six Tuesday evening, you may chosen to walk quickly in the opposite direction. I will not deny that I was muttering to myself the whole way home. And I may have been rocking with each iteration of my mantra, "I will run today. I will run today. I will run today."

It wasn't cute, but it was necessary. And it worked.

::Manual override successful.
::Computer adjusting presets.
::Report printing on HP LaserJet 2100.

****

In other earth-shattering revelations, the entry that got eaten, (stupid anti-Semitic blogger) promised that I was going to mark the Passover holiday by making a Marathon Haggadah.

I kind of think the technical difficulties may be the universe’s way of telling me that it wasn’t really that great an idea to begin with. But really, if I amuse myself, then the Universe can go read somebody else’s blog. (So there! Shut up, Universe!)

So, without further ado:

The 10 Plagues of Naomi's Marathon
(Please imagine me intoning these in a monotone chant, while dipping my pinkie finger into my glass of red wine and dotting my plate for each plague. It's a tradition. It just is.)

1) Blisters
2) Cramps
3) Tight hamstrings
4) Shin splints
5) Dehydration
6) Chafing
7) Pulled muscles (this one hasn’t happened to me yet)
8) Eric
9) Jen
10) The slaying of the first born. No, wait, that was in the real Exodus. But, really, I'm not going to top that one.

Rabbi Yehuda provided this helpful mnemonic to remember the order of the plagues: Blecrat Shdech Pejathsafab.

That's really funny if you're me. Promise.

[singing]Let my people go.[/singing]

6 Comments:

Blogger Meg said...

A friend of mine has a set of stuffed plush plagues that they use every year at her family's Seder. Apparently this year they added the Four Questions Finger Puppets.

I miss out on so much by being a damn heathen.

10:27 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

Also, the need for a manual systems override? It must be going around. I've been having to push through a load of slog every morning this week. Allergy season, perhaps?

10:30 AM  
Blogger Sarah said...

Funny post! So, I'm the anonymous commentor from a few days ago...finally decided to take the plunge and start my own blog (after lurking around others for too long). My posts will likely be much drier than yours :-)

10:44 AM  
Blogger Noames said...

Wow, Meg, I love the macabre hilariousness of plague plush toys. " Four plagues buzz, quiver and crawl! A fun and entertaining enhancement". Awesome.

On the other hand, I very much need the four questions finger puppets, like, right now.

And good luck Anonymous Sarah with your very own blog! Everyone should do it!

11:22 AM  
Blogger Denise said...

Good for you overriding the sit-on-the-couch urge. I've been fighting the hit-the-snooze-button-instead-of-walking urge, so I'm in total solidarity with you! :-)

1:49 PM  
Anonymous BD said...

Too funny. I'm going to have look over my factory presets pretty closely.

1:16 AM  

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